The reoccurring revelation I’ve had in the last few months is realizing and remembering that God is literally our father and at my lowest moments at the end of April and beginning of May He held me so close and tight like a child would want their mom or dad to when they need some genuine love. A thought that came to mind is when I babysit my nephews and if one falls down and gets hurt or if they are simply upset or frustrated with something how they literally run to me. Sometimes crying, sometimes just sad, sometimes hurt, whatever the situation they run as fast as they can, raw energy and leap into my arms, put their head on my shoulder and squeeze tight just because they need that reassurance that someone is here for them, loves them, and will work through whatever it is that happened WITH them.
If you’ve been keeping up with my blog the last few months you know by now I have been in a major transition the last few months emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, locationally (I just made up a word lol) and all the above and now that I am coming out of and God is finishing a healing and rebuilding process in my life, things are starting to make more sense. I’ve already blogged about the amazingly anointed Le’Andria Johnson, a former Sunday Best winner and now has a Grammy (you GO girl!!) I was listening to some of her performances on youtube and came across my favorite again “Running Back To You” and had a light bulb go off in my head and a HUGE smile in my heart.
Think about when you were younger (and some older) when you would fall off your bike or had a bad day at school or anything and you would RUN, as fast as you can, tears streaming down but you knew out of instinct and because it was proven before that your mom or dad would welcome you with open arms and love on you and kiss you and just let you know everything was going to be ok and that was all you needed to feel better.
That’s how God loves us, isn’t that amazing!?!??!! That’s how God has always loved me but seemingly even more the last 90 days and I am sooooo thankful to Him. I can smile a real smile. I have a heart that is healed, it might have a few cracks, but it’s not broken anymore and I thank Him for that. I thank God that the lowest moment when everything I had planned failed He was standing there for me, waiting with open arms, and I RAN to Him and he held me so tight and so close.
I made some irresponsible decisions that led me to a lot of my heartbreak and unsuccessfulness from moving across the country. I made decisions based on what the world says is ok and acceptable instead of making decisions based on what the WORD of God says and at the end of the day when it comes down to it, GOD DON’T BLESS NO MESS. And that’s why it seemed at one point the harder I held on, the more things fell apart, but now I see that’s because God had so much more for me. He loves us too much to allow us to stay in good situations when He has called us to do GREAT things. Inspite of making my bad decisions, I still had the power and grace from God and chose to RUN back to God… broken, dirty, unworthy, having nothing to give Him but my broken heart and He was there for me.
I chose to ONLY truly focus on God. I chose to NOT be a victim or a broken hearted girl. I chose to keep an open heart for whatever and whomever God wanted to bring to my life. I chose to erase numbers, emails, contacts, and use the BLOCK button heavily because everyone and everything from my past that was not bringing light to my life and strength to my walk with God did not deserve to be in my life. I chose to try. Sometimes we get so down that we just give up, but even if all you can do is crawl you still have to MOVE FORWARD and absolutely refuse to look back. I chose to forgive myself because God had forgiven me. I chose to forgive others who hurt me because God has forgiven me. I chose to ask God to show me my purpose and continue to show me who I am as HIS child. There’s something about knowing WHO YOU ARE and WHO’S you are that helps you move forward because you know were you’re going. Might not know exactly how to get there, but you know your destination. I chose not to revert back into my old ways of looking for a quick fix in sex. I chose to remember my worth and respect my body and the next person I’ll be with on an intimate level will be the man who changes my last name. I chose not to get back into old habits of excessive drinking and partying. I chose to stand up tall. I chose to NOT let the devil steal my joy because I have wasted too much time letting that happen in the past. Everything hasn’t been easy, but it’s not impossible. I chose to fill out job applications and God blessed me with a full time job a week after I came back to NC and I recently started a new full time job beginning of this week. #praisebreak because I know another job is right around the corned (lol, yes I’m really “moving forward” with all these jobs). I chose to smile and just be thankful. I still cry sometimes and have those low moments and I allow myself to have those briefly and then I dry my tears and go on with my day… and guess what, you reading this can do the same!!
Now if this is starting to sounds like a “me, me, me” & “I chose this, I did this, I am that” I want to make clear that is not the intentions of the post and when it all comes down to it, it’s not even about me, ALL of this is simply to give praise to God for making a way when I was so depressed I couldn’t eat or get out of bed. It’s (as the old folks say) “ONLY by God’s grace” that I am here today and I mean that with all of my being. It’s only because of His unfailing, unending, never wavering love for that I do not deserve that I was given a second chance, well more like a 102nd chance to get this gift called life right. So like I said, it’s not about me or what I’ve done, it’s all because of God’s mercy and grace and that is what allowed me to have the options to choose…
Choose to trust God even when you can’t see anything in your life clearly. Choose to make Him and more importantly KEEP Him the number one in your life. His plan is so much greater than we can imagine and even when your life goes into HOT MESS status know it doesn’t stay there. Choose to make reading HIS Word, praying, meditation, fasting, and worship the most important part of your day and your life. These road bumps, hills, mountains, valleys that happen in life are all temporary and are not your final destination in life. #knowthat the BEST IS YET TO COME!!!
Enjoy the heartfelt performance from Le’Andria Johnson and hopefully this song makes your heart smile as much as it does for mine when I think back to how God was “standing there for me and I was running back to Him. His arms were OPEN WIDE, and I don’t have to cry no more.”